Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part nine in a growing report of consumer hazards.Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review the liquor consumption of our grand and glorious country, America.
Fact: 7% of all alcohol consumed is absorbed through the pores under the guise of aftershave.
Liquor is a necessary evil in America. If not for taxes levied on liquor where would our welfare system receive its funding? Our national anthem, in fact, would not be the same inspiring tune if it had not first been an old English drinking aire at one time. But none the less it is still an evil. There are more winos and social drinkers in our country than ever before.
Fact: 69% of all American’s rank the 21st Amendment to the Constitution as their favorite.
There are many physical ailments that come from the consumption of liquor. The Surgeon General has just determined that even if you have only sampled one glass of beer, at any age, you may become completely blind at any time. It may be occurring evenas you read this article.
The cost of the drunken citizen is prohibitive. After the average drunken orgy the host usually has a carpet cleaning bill second only to his high water bill. Streets are also made hazardous by the alcoholic. Broken glass from dropped whiskey flasks has blown many a tire.
Fact: 37% of all street cleaners in for repair were broken by polluted citizens lying in the gutter.
With all of this distressing news I can see no other course than to down a delicious Bourbon and water to calm my nerves. Cheers and a good night to you America.
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part eight in a growing report of consumer hazards.Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review an inconspicuous hazard in an American’s life, the handkerchief.
Fact:95% of all noses have felt a handkerchief.
The handkerchief business in America is a clean one indeed.If not for a handkerchief how could Fred Astaire have ever started all those dances with Ginger Rogers?
Fact: 78% of all their dances were started with a drop of her hankie.
Yet while handkerchiefs played a snotty role in the movies it had a devious role in actual American life.Under the alias of bandanna it helped countless numbers of banditos to rob stagecoaches and banks.
It has in fact several aliases.Where would the hippie movement be today without the “head band”.
Fact: 97% of all hippies use their handkerchiefs on their heads and not their noses.
Handkerchiefs are also responsible for upsetting ecology.Due to an increase in silk hankies the silk worm is fast approaching the endangered species list.Sanitation is also disturbed by the use of handkerchiefs.Who knows what touched that handkerchief before your child put it to his nose, or better still, who knows what touched your child’s nose before the handkerchief?But all of these are the least of the hazards presented by handkerchiefs.The American housewife has all too often found tell-tale signs of hanky-panky on her husband’s kerchiefs as she sorts his laundry.
Fact:67% of all American husbands who use nanny and her puffs keep their marriage and their fun.
If America did decide to stop using handkerchiefs what would be come of them?This Christmas why don’t you surprise your wife with a patchwork linen tablecloth and a quilted silk gown?
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part seven in a growing report of consumer hazards.Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that common American mishap the road map.
Fact:3% of all road maps are common, the rest are highly complicated.
The road map monopoly enjoys a booming business alongside another monopoly, the gasoline trust.Service stations across the nation hand out maps free of charge to their patrons.I have found though that you do not receive “something for nothing” and that holds true in this instance; you don’t receive something, you receive a road map.The poor markings of back country roads on maps has been experienced by many a teenage girl.
Fact: 32% of all out-of-wedlock babies are a direct result of badly published road maps.
One shortcoming of the road map is its failure to indicate interstate exits.One couple was reported to put two thousand miles on their vehicle while trying to find their exit in New York City.When they finally exited they found they were actually in Boston, Massachusetts.Maps are not entirely to blame for their inaccuracies.If State officials would let road map manufacturers know which bridge will be out when, it would simplify matters considerably.
Road maps still are a hazard in and of themselves.I have put together highly intricate computers easier than I have road maps.Folding and unfolding road maps is a danger second only to the drunken driver on the road today.
Fact: 41% of all accidents on America’s roadways are committed by the sober map folder.
The solution as I see it is for the government to create a new department to coordinate the actual roads with the roads shown on maps.Better yet, let’s leave Washington bureaucracy alone and really discover America, the hard way, by asking a farmer for directions.
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part six in a growing report of consumer hazards.Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that great kitchen hazard the electric toaster.
Fact: 17% off all first degree burns on fingers come from faulty toasters.
The toaster Enterprises in America are indeed huge ones.Toasters have become a necessary institution in the American home.None the less, it is still an unrecognized danger to the masses.The first danger is not to you but to your children or curious cat.Children seem to have a fascination as to what happens in a toaster
Fact: 83% of all blindness occurring while staring into a toaster is attributed to children.
The danger of swallowing black scouring pads is prominent in homes which enjoy burnt English muffins.Another physical danger all too often overlooked is the exchange booth.Taking back one of your three toasters you acquired for Christmas may lead to a violent family argument and it may end with your having to take all three toasters in for repairs.
Physical danger is not the only hazard toasters provide.The family budget may strain a little.Pop Tarts and Danish Go-Rounds are expensive enough without the toaster eating them more frequently than your offspring.How many loaves of bread have you scraped down the drain and how much money did it cost you to have a plumber retrieve them?
Fact 77% of American housewives didn’t want the black scraps back they just wanted to make room for more.
Physical and monetary problems are not the only hazards brought about by toasters, emotional setbacks can occur as well.A wife can blame Mrs. Olsen if her coffee tastes bad but who can she blame if the toast is shaded jet black?
Fact: 93% of all husbands getting divorced blame their wife, not the toaster.
But can America get along without this evil?Is there a reasonable substitute?I feel American ingenuity will triumph in the end.Come on Americans, pull out that wienie roasting stick, fire up the fireplace and toast some bread the way our forefathers did.
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part five in a growing report of consumer hazards.Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review your Sunday Newspaper.
Fact: 89% of all American's read a Sunday newspaper; the other 11% pick one up on Saturdays, coming home from their neighborhood Synagogues.
The newspaper game in America is a strenuous one indeed, and today the war of the newspaper giants to produce a better selling Sunday newspaper has become a hazard in the American home.
Fact: 36% of all violence seen by children on Sundays comes from Dick Tracy and Steve Canyon.
Billy Graham has a hard enough time competing with Oral Roberts without having to combat Denise the Menace.
Aside from all the propaganda your read in these editions, good or bad, what Sunday giant doesn't contain a supplement? Let us analyze one of these supplements.
First there's the kitchen tested recipes, the kind you always find on your mother-in-law's table the next weekend, and of course the advertisements for money saving tips which only cost you $4.95 and C.O.D. expenses.
Now, after all of these hazards have invaded your home what becomes of this newspaper on Monday? Yes, it is still a hazard.
Fact: 71% of all fires started by newspapers are fed by Sunday editions.
Your own privacy and sanitation are threatened by these Sunday publications. Is there one of us who has not been sitting in a relaxing tub of warm water when the doorbell rings? After leaving your bath and answering the door you find your favorite local charity collecting bundles of newspapers. This leaves you with two revelations and one question.
These are; "Your tub is now cold and of no use to you unless you have some champagne to be chilled"; "that they are no longer your favorite charity" and "What do they do with all those newspapers?"
Fact: 0% of Americans know where those bundles go.
Shall America keep this Sunday hazard or throw off it's shackles and start football games three hours earlier? I leave the answer to you.
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part three in a growing report of consumer hazards.
Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review your dog's din-din.
Fact: 83% of all dogs eat din-din the rest eat "come and get it".
Thedog food business in America is a huge industry not only serving the needs of dogs but sometimes those of cats, hamsters and the straining family budget.
Fact: 99% of those straining family budgets do not strain for long as dog food seems to provide fantastic initiative.
Just what is your dog eating when you feed him din-din? For those of you buying him the run of the mill cheap variety he may be eating a bowl of soggy cereal that has been covered with a brown mold for coloring. If it says meat by-products on it you can be feeding your poochie hoofs, crushed bones and scraps of hide.
Fact: 32% of all discarded leather boots end up in your dog's stomach.
One must take great care in feeding one's dog the right food and the right amount of food. A canine must have an all meat meal with an occasional chew biscuit and a slice of Roquefort cheese. Your dog will appreciate the hearty meal of pure meat and enjoy the change of pace the cheese will bring.
The amount of food is also an important factor. A hungry dog may turn on a small child for meat.
Fact: 2% of all dog bites come from a starved dog, the rest from a certain jewish dog that is said to be rabbi.
But on the same token you must not over stuff your dog as he is not a Thanksgiving turkey.
Be kind to your pet and feed him a good meal or else pray that your dog cannot find his way to the local humane society.
Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.
For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.
Part Two in a growing report of consumer hazards
Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that American health hazard smoking Tobacco.
Fact: 93% of all people who are unhealthy due to first degree burns, received while in bed, were found to be smoking.
The tobacco industry has conducted a huge business ever since the Colonial period of American history. Until the mid 1800's plantation owners had slaves pick their tobacco crop; today they have nicotine addicts harvest their yield.
Fact: 99% of those who smoke are addicted to nicotine; the other 1% are under the age of five.
There are many different ways to smoke tobacco, but two come instantly to mind. The first, of course, is cigarettes. These are precise little instruments measured down to the last millimeter. They may be purchased in a variety of flavors, brand names and of course filter or non-filter. Let us talk first on the subject of flavors. These are as assorted as TV Dinners and may come in the same flavors such as chicken or salibury steak. Brand names are also too numerous to mention but through extensive research I have found that particular brands may enjoy more prominence in one area than another.
Fact: On college campuses such brands as Mashmakhan, Acapulco Gold, or Mexican Flower Top sell more frequently than any other brand.
The case of filter versus non-filter is that in the first instance it only prolongs the Surgeon General's famous quote "I told you so" where as non-filters brings it forth immediately.
Fact: The Surgeon General has recently sent a memo to Howard Hughes.
The second most popular way of smoking tobacco is by means of a pipe. While pipe smokers may not be apt to dying of lung cancer, they may die of starvation. Pipe smoking may induce lip cancer or tongue cancer thus having a devastating effect upon your appetite, not to mention your goodbye kiss in the morning.
Fact: Hugh Hefner has now given up his pipe.
Be sure to read next week's report on smut and obscene literature.
When I was growing up we lived just a block from the AuglaizeRiver. My friends and I were constantly playing on, in and around the river. I had always wanted to canoe the river from its beginnings in Wapak to its end in Defiance.
17 years after leaving Wapak I brought my son and a friend of his back to fulfill my childhood dream. It took two, three day weekends, a year apart to complete the journey.
This is my journal covering the first trip.
Memorial Day Weekend 1990
Thursday 8:00PM Canoe is tied down to top of car. Sleeping bags, clothes, fishing poles, tent etc. are packed with no major incidents.
Thursday 10:30PM After Dustin and his friend Kevin have made 6 Bologna and Cheese sandwiches they start on 6 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches only to discover that we are out of peanut butter. I have to drive to the IGA, with a canoe tied to the top of my car; buy peanut butter and return.
Thursday 11:00PM Sandwiches made and I’m talked into letting Dustin and Kevin stay up to watch “Star Trek” until 12:00AM. Plan is to get up at 6:00AM and be on the road by 6:30AM.
Friday 4:30AM Dustin wakes me up/ He and Kevin decide to get early start and set alarm clock earlier than planned.
Friday 5:45AM Sandwiches placed in cooler, cooler placed in car. We leave the driveway and are on our way.
Friday 6:00AM We hit I-75 and are 120 miles from Wapak and the AuglaizeRiver. Both boys are sound asleep. It’s raining.
Friday 7:30AM We stop in Sidney, OH only 20 miles to go. Check ropes on canoe, boys still asleep, still raining.
Friday 8:00AM Arrive at my Dad’s house in Wapak. Wake the boys. They insist they have not been sleeping. Rain has stopped.
Friday 8:28AM Canoe is loaded and we shove off ready for what may come. A small rabbit sits on the bank watching us leave.
Friday 9:15AM After zigzagging from side to side on the river I realize that Dustin and Kevin’s right and left are the opposite of mine. (They were using their civilian right and left) A short lecture ensues. We sight a blue heron flying up ahead of us and take it as a sign of good luck.
Friday 10:00AM We’ve gone 4-5 miles by my reckoning. 40 more to go. The boy’s decide it’s time to take a break. We hear cars on a road through the trees. Scramble up the bank and discover we’re only 1 mile by road from Wapak. The boys are devastated but I know the river twists and bends. Our blue heron flies up the river in front of us.
Friday 11:00AM We enter some white water riffs. The river is only two feet deep but with a swift moving current and rocks everywhere we all have to concentrate on what we’re doing. Suddenly, Kevin, who’s sitting in the middle, drops his oar and starts stamping on the bottom of the canoe. I can’t look until we’re through the riffs. A large small mouth bass jumped out of the water, hit Kevin in the chest and dropped to the bottom of the canoe. An excellent fishing story, and I’m not sure I’d believe it myself, except I was there.
Friday 12:00 Noon We stopped for lunch somewhere about one mile from Buckland. Never saw these two boys eat so much.
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Friday 12:30PM Our blue heron flies up in front of us. We see some groundhogs, a muskrat and a snake swimming through the water. Dustin hears some water splashing loudly. The boys think we are coming to some large rapids. I told them, “Rapids hell, we’re coming to the falls, make sure everything is tied down!” Their faces registered pure shock. Well, just outside of Buckland there’s a gravel pit and they pump the water that seeps into the pits out into the river through a large outfall sewer. Chalk one up for Dad.
Friday 1:00PM We come upon six ducks and their ducklings. Unfortunately when you come upon ducks you usually find shallow rapids. We did and got stuck on a large flat rock. Who knows what possessed Kevin, but he leaned over the side to see what was holding us in place. About ¼ of the canoe filled up with water. We spent 15 minutes bailing out the canoe. Our clothes and sleeping bags were damp but everything else was fine.
Friday 2:30PM We’ve seen ducks, groundhogs, muskrats, blue heron and other misc. snakes and turtles. The river has been fairly calm. The boys have tried fishing and shooting the BB gun at blackbirds, both with no luck. We’ve been playing the imagination game. That log looks like an alligator, this log looks like a hippopotamus, when we come to a long straight stretch of the river. Dustin see’s a log about 75 yards away. “That looks like a pig.” 50 yards away Kevin yells “Yea, that does look like a pig.” At 25 yards (I now know that I needed glasses) I realize that’s not a log but a dead pig, bloated and covered with flies. We all voted on whether to investigate at close quarters or not. Since my vote counted as three votes we did not investigate closer.
Friday 5:45PM On the right hand side of the river, the Ft Amanda canoe livery comes into sight. There’s a sixteen-year old boy mowing the grass. As my buttocks are developing blisters and my legs are cramped we stop and tie up. I ask the sixteen-year old how far to Ft Jennings. “Oh, we average 6 ½ hours to Ft Jennings.” Great!!! We’re way ahead of schedule. Hmmm, second thoughts. “Well, how long does it take you to come from Wapak to here?” Now keep in mind that we’ve taken 9 ½ hours to get to this point. “We average 5 ½ hours.” Smart aleck kid.
Friday 6:00PAM We stop at Ft Amanda park. Ft Amanda park is made up of a graveyard dating from the 1812 war, some picnic tables and a granite monument from the war of 1812. The boys were not impressed.
Friday 6:30PM We’re tired, wet and hungry and looking for a place to camp. We see six deer crossing the river in a shallow spot. Dustin reaches for the BB gun but I remind him it’s not deer season.
Friday 7:00PM We find a place to camp! Build a campfire, pitch the tent and realize all of our clothes and sleeping bags are damp. We wolf our food down. The temperature has dropped from 82 to 52 but, hey we’re guys. Wet clothes and sleeping bags are no problem.
Friday 11:15PM Everybody is asleep.
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Saturday 6:00AM Have we slept? Time to start breakfast. Spam and eggs. Made my morning. Nothing dried overnight. Our blue heron flies by as we’re packing.
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Saturday 8:15AM We’re off. No playing around, we’re going to reach Ft Jennings by Sunday Noon or bust.
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Saturday 10:00AM More ducks, ducklings, blue herons, etc. We’re in the middle of nowhere when a bridge appears. On the other side of the bridge is a small brick building with no windows and a large antenna beside it. We’re back to the imagination game. Thought I learned better with the pig? No way. It’s a missile silo, a spy center, etc. All eyes are on this building as we float past. Suddenly, Dustin hears running water. We all look forward and we’re only eight feet from a small, five-foot high, low head dam. Two feet from disaster we paddle over to the edge and tie up. We unload the canoe; tent, sleeping bags, camp box, cooler, clothes; you get the idea. Carry the canoe around the dam and reload. My muscles were crying.
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Saturday 11:00AM We’re making great time. Kingfishers, ducks, a turtle and a deer watch us go by. We hit some shallow rapids. Everyone is concentrating on making it through without hitting a rock. Suddenly my heart stops. A small mouth bass has jumped out of the water, hit me in the chest and fell to the bottom of the canoe. I don’t care what you think, it happened!
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Saturday 11:30AM We’ve been sitting for 15 minutes watching two red tail hawks. They’ve made the mistake of trying to rob a Blue Jays nest. Four Blue Jays are doing the “Battle of Britain” with the hawks and no one speaks. We drift towards shallow swift water and it’s all hands to the paddles. We’ve become experts and the boys have learned their right from their left.
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Saturday 12 Noon We come upon the largest logjam you’ve ever seen. It’s in a curve in the river and the water can flow underneath but we sure can’t. We have to unload the canoe and carry everything 125 yards around the logjam. We carry everything halfway and stop for lunch. My muscles were screaming. There are blisters on my buttocks. Oh well, there’s a log that looks like an alligator.
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Saturday 1:45PM A blue heron flies up ahead of us; our good luck is still with us. We’re out of drinking water and we’ve been watching through the trees for a farmhouse. We see one about 50 yards from the river so we tie up, get the water cooler and walk up to the farmhouse. We ask for some water and the farmwife directs us to a hose in the barn and says we can have all that we need. We fill the five-gallon water cooler and a familiar odor hits my nose. Sulfur water! Dustin takes a drink and spits it out. “Hey, this barn water stinks, lets see if we can get some water from the house.” Yeah, right Dustin. It all comes from the same well.
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Saturday 4:00PM We’re looking for the Route 30 Bridge and a train trestle side by side. We know we can camp when we get there and make Ft Jennings by Sunday noon. We see bridges and stop for a rest. There’re several houses and a bar at the crossroads. We stop in the bar for Pepsi’s since drinking sulfur water gets old real fast. We haven’t bathed since Thursday and are slightly muddy and wet. We strike up a conversation with the barmaid and she offers to let us camp behind the bar. The backyard ran 100 yards down to the river and is all freshly cut grass with a few trees and no bugs or weeds. We spread our clothes and sleeping bags out and got everything dry. The boys went fishing and I made a fire in the woods at the edge of the river and start supper. (Spam) It’s so nice out that we don’t pitch the tent and sleep under the stars in our sleeping bags.
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Saturday 11:30PM We all fall asleep.
Sunday 2:30AM The bar closes and every fast car in the county is in the parking lot. They all rev their engines and burn rubber, honking their horns out into the darkness. All’s quiet now.
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Sunday 4:00AM A train is coming right at me blasting its whistle. I sit straight up in my sleeping bag. The boys are sitting up too. Remember, the train trestle is next to the bridge where we’re camped. It’s only 100 feet from where we’re sleeping and it sounds like it is coming right at us. It passes and all is quiet.
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Sunday 6:00AM Time for Spam and eggs. What a father does for his son.
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Sunday 8:20AM Everything is packed and we’re on our way. Barring any incidents we should reach Ft Jennings by 11:00AM, ahead of schedule.
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Sunday 10:00AM We’re making good progress. Ducks, groundhogs and hawks all watch us glide down the river. Our blue heron flies up and instead of going in front of us he turns and flies back up the river. Probably figures we can make the last few miles on our own.
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Sunday 10:30AM We see a huge sign that says DANGER stretching across the river. It’s about twenty feet above the river, strung across the river between two telephone poles. As we get closer we see in smaller letters “Dam Ahead – 200 feet”. We round a bend in the river and suddenly a twelve-foot high dam appears 20 feet in front of us. We paddle over to the right side of the river and tie up. The banks on either side are 7-10 feet high, steep and muddy. We’re too tired to pull the canoe and all the equipment up a steep muddy bank. There’s a spillway in the dam that’s just wide enough for the canoe to fit through. I’ve seen canoes portaged through spillways and we decide to try it.
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Sunday 10:40AM All loose equipment has been removed. The sleeping bags, tent, clothes and camp box are tied down in the canoe. Dustin is in the water up to his waste on the upper part of the river holding a rope tied to the back of the canoe. Kevin and I are on the dam holding the rope in the front. The idea was that we hold the front end up as the canoe goes through the spillway. Dustin holds the back rope until ¾ of the way through the spillway and then he should let go. As the back end drops over the dam, we would let go of the rope and the canoe should drop into the water. Well, Dustin said something to me and I nodded my head not hearing what he had said. He thought I had indicated to let go of the rope. The canoe was only 1/8 of the way through the spillway and when he let go of the rope, the canoe turned sideways in the current and fell over the dam upside down.
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Sunday 10:55AM The canoe had filled entirely with water. We worked hard to bail it out. We didn’t loose everything, but clothes that used to weigh 10 lbs. now weighed 50 lbs. We repack everything and now totally exhausted, soaking wet and muddy, turn down river towards Ft.Jennings.
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Sunday 11:50AM We see the bridge on a bend in the river that is on the edge of Ft.Jennings. We hear Rock and Roll music coming from around the bend. We get a little closer and see the tops of brightly colored tents pitched on the edge of the river. We’re taking the bend right in the middle of the river. We take a few more strokes and notice 40-50 people along the right hand side of the riverbank. And they’re all watching us. Then we look up and see a yellow tape stretched across the river. We can’t duck under the tape and it’s too late to make for the side. We break the tape and some people clap, some take pictures.
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Sunday 11:58AM We pull over and stand on firm ground at the Ft.JenningsRiversidePark. It’s the 6th Annual Jaycee canoe race and we won! Well, for a minute some people thought so. They were very nice and helped us get our canoe and equipment up out of the river and found a phone so I could call Dad.
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Sunday 12:45PM We’ve eaten, drank, dried in the sun and watched the canoe race. Dad arrives and we pack up the car and leave. The boys sleep all the way back to Wapak. 44 miles on the river but only 28 miles of backcountry roads to Wapak.
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Sunday 1:30PM We arrive at my Dad’s house. We shower and change into clothes we left there on Friday. Eat, drink, stories, visiting, clean and dry. It’s great.
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Sunday 4:30PM We’re on I-75 heading south to Cincinnati. The boys are sleeping.
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Sunday 7:00PM We get back to Cincinnati just in time to make the 7PM mass at St Lawrence. Everyone stared as we pulled into the parking lot with a canoe strapped to the top of our car.
