Consumer Reports Part Six

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part six in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that great kitchen hazard the electric toaster.

Fact: 17% off all first degree burns on fingers come from faulty toasters.

The toaster Enterprises in America are indeed huge ones. Toasters have become a necessary institution in the American home. None the less, it is still an unrecognized danger to the masses. The first danger is not to you but to your children or curious cat. Children seem to have a fascination as to what happens in a toaster

Fact: 83% of all blindness occurring while staring into a toaster is attributed to children.

The danger of swallowing black scouring pads is prominent in homes which enjoy burnt English muffins. Another physical danger all too often overlooked is the exchange booth. Taking back one of your three toasters you acquired for Christmas may lead to a violent family argument and it may end with your having to take all three toasters in for repairs.

Physical danger is not the only hazard toasters provide. The family budget may strain a little. Pop Tarts and Danish Go-Rounds are expensive enough without the toaster eating them more frequently than your offspring. How many loaves of bread have you scraped down the drain and how much money did it cost you to have a plumber retrieve them?

Fact 77% of American housewives didn’t want the black scraps back they just wanted to make room for more.

Physical and monetary problems are not the only hazards brought about by toasters, emotional setbacks can occur as well. A wife can blame Mrs. Olsen if her coffee tastes bad but who can she blame if the toast is shaded jet black?

Fact: 93% of all husbands getting divorced blame their wife, not the toaster.

But can America get along without this evil? Is there a reasonable substitute? I feel American ingenuity will triumph in the end. Come on Americans, pull out that wienie roasting stick, fire up the fireplace and toast some bread the way our forefathers did.