Consumer Reports Part Two

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part Two in a growing report of consumer hazards

Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that American health hazard smoking Tobacco.

Fact: 93% of all people who are unhealthy due to first degree burns, received while in bed, were found to be smoking.

The tobacco industry has conducted a huge business ever since the Colonial period of American history. Until the mid 1800's plantation owners had slaves pick their tobacco crop; today they have nicotine addicts harvest their yield.

Fact: 99% of those who smoke are addicted to nicotine; the other 1% are under the age of five.

There are many different ways to smoke tobacco, but two come instantly to mind. The first, of course, is cigarettes. These are precise little instruments measured down to the last millimeter. They may be purchased in a variety of flavors, brand names and of course filter or non-filter. Let us talk first on the subject of flavors. These are as assorted as TV Dinners and may come in the same flavors such as chicken or salibury steak. Brand names are also too numerous to mention but through extensive research I have found that particular brands may enjoy more prominence in one area than another.

Fact: On college campuses such brands as Mashmakhan, Acapulco Gold, or Mexican Flower Top sell more frequently than any other brand.

The case of filter versus non-filter is that in the first instance it only prolongs the Surgeon General's famous quote "I told you so" where as non-filters brings it forth immediately.

Fact: The Surgeon General has recently sent a memo to Howard Hughes.

The second most popular way of smoking tobacco is by means of a pipe. While pipe smokers may not be apt to dying of lung cancer, they may die of starvation. Pipe smoking may induce lip cancer or tongue cancer thus having a devastating effect upon your appetite, not to mention your goodbye kiss in the morning.

Fact: Hugh Hefner has now given up his pipe.

Be sure to read next week's report on smut and obscene literature.