Consumer Reports Part Nine

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part nine in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review the liquor consumption of our grand and glorious country, America.

Fact: 7% of all alcohol consumed is absorbed through the pores under the guise of aftershave.

Liquor is a necessary evil in America. If not for taxes levied on liquor where would our welfare system receive its funding? Our national anthem, in fact, would not be the same inspiring tune if it had not first been an old English drinking aire at one time. But none the less it is still an evil. There are more winos and social drinkers in our country than ever before.

Fact: 69% of all American’s rank the 21^st Amendment to the Constitution as their favorite.

There are many physical ailments that come from the consumption of liquor. The Surgeon General has just determined that even if you have only sampled one glass of beer, at any age, you may become completely blind at any time. It may be occurring even as you read this article.

The cost of the drunken citizen is prohibitive. After the average drunken orgy the host usually has a carpet cleaning bill second only to his high water bill. Streets are also made hazardous by the alcoholic. Broken glass from dropped whiskey flasks has blown many a tire.

Fact: 37% of all street cleaners in for repair were broken by polluted citizens lying in the gutter.

With all of this distressing news I can see no other course than to down a delicious Bourbon and water to calm my nerves. Cheers and a good night to you America.