Consumer Reports Part Nine

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part nine in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review the liquor consumption of our grand and glorious country, America.

Fact: 7% of all alcohol consumed is absorbed through the pores under the guise of aftershave.

Liquor is a necessary evil in America. If not for taxes levied on liquor where would our welfare system receive its funding? Our national anthem, in fact, would not be the same inspiring tune if it had not first been an old English drinking aire at one time. But none the less it is still an evil. There are more winos and social drinkers in our country than ever before.

Fact: 69% of all American’s rank the 21^st Amendment to the Constitution as their favorite.

There are many physical ailments that come from the consumption of liquor. The Surgeon General has just determined that even if you have only sampled one glass of beer, at any age, you may become completely blind at any time. It may be occurring even as you read this article.

The cost of the drunken citizen is prohibitive. After the average drunken orgy the host usually has a carpet cleaning bill second only to his high water bill. Streets are also made hazardous by the alcoholic. Broken glass from dropped whiskey flasks has blown many a tire.

Fact: 37% of all street cleaners in for repair were broken by polluted citizens lying in the gutter.

With all of this distressing news I can see no other course than to down a delicious Bourbon and water to calm my nerves. Cheers and a good night to you America.

Consumer Reports Part Eight

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part eight in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review an inconspicuous hazard in an American’s life, the handkerchief.

Fact: 95% of all noses have felt a handkerchief.

The handkerchief business in America is a clean one indeed. If not for a handkerchief how could Fred Astaire have ever started all those dances with Ginger Rogers?

Fact: 78% of all their dances were started with a drop of her hankie.

Yet while handkerchiefs played a snotty role in the movies it had a devious role in actual American life. Under the alias of bandanna it helped countless numbers of banditos to rob stagecoaches and banks.

It has in fact several aliases. Where would the hippie movement be today without the “head band”.

Fact: 97% of all hippies use their handkerchiefs on their heads and not their noses.

Handkerchiefs are also responsible for upsetting ecology. Due to an increase in silk hankies the silk worm is fast approaching the endangered species list. Sanitation is also disturbed by the use of handkerchiefs. Who knows what touched that handkerchief before your child put it to his nose, or better still, who knows what touched your child’s nose before the handkerchief? But all of these are the least of the hazards presented by handkerchiefs. The American housewife has all too often found tell-tale signs of hanky-panky on her husband’s kerchiefs as she sorts his laundry.

Fact: 67% of all American husbands who use nanny and her puffs keep their marriage and their fun.

If America did decide to stop using handkerchiefs what would be come of them? This Christmas why don’t you surprise your wife with a patchwork linen tablecloth and a quilted silk gown?

Consumer Reports Part Seven

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part seven in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that common American mishap the road map.

Fact: 3% of all road maps are common, the rest are highly complicated.

The road map monopoly enjoys a booming business alongside another monopoly, the gasoline trust. Service stations across the nation hand out maps free of charge to their patrons. I have found though that you do not receive “something for nothing” and that holds true in this instance; you don’t receive something, you receive a road map. The poor markings of back country roads on maps has been experienced by many a teenage girl.

Fact: 32% of all out-of-wedlock babies are a direct result of badly published road maps.

One shortcoming of the road map is its failure to indicate interstate exits. One couple was reported to put two thousand miles on their vehicle while trying to find their exit in New York City. When they finally exited they found they were actually in Boston, Massachusetts. Maps are not entirely to blame for their inaccuracies. If State officials would let road map manufacturers know which bridge will be out when, it would simplify matters considerably.

Road maps still are a hazard in and of themselves. I have put together highly intricate computers easier than I have road maps. Folding and unfolding road maps is a danger second only to the drunken driver on the road today.

Fact: 41% of all accidents on America’s roadways are committed by the sober map folder.

The solution as I see it is for the government to create a new department to coordinate the actual roads with the roads shown on maps. Better yet, let’s leave Washington bureaucracy alone and really discover America, the hard way, by asking a farmer for directions.

Consumer Reports Part Six

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part six in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that great kitchen hazard the electric toaster.

Fact: 17% off all first degree burns on fingers come from faulty toasters.

The toaster Enterprises in America are indeed huge ones. Toasters have become a necessary institution in the American home. None the less, it is still an unrecognized danger to the masses. The first danger is not to you but to your children or curious cat. Children seem to have a fascination as to what happens in a toaster

Fact: 83% of all blindness occurring while staring into a toaster is attributed to children.

The danger of swallowing black scouring pads is prominent in homes which enjoy burnt English muffins. Another physical danger all too often overlooked is the exchange booth. Taking back one of your three toasters you acquired for Christmas may lead to a violent family argument and it may end with your having to take all three toasters in for repairs.

Physical danger is not the only hazard toasters provide. The family budget may strain a little. Pop Tarts and Danish Go-Rounds are expensive enough without the toaster eating them more frequently than your offspring. How many loaves of bread have you scraped down the drain and how much money did it cost you to have a plumber retrieve them?

Fact 77% of American housewives didn’t want the black scraps back they just wanted to make room for more.

Physical and monetary problems are not the only hazards brought about by toasters, emotional setbacks can occur as well. A wife can blame Mrs. Olsen if her coffee tastes bad but who can she blame if the toast is shaded jet black?

Fact: 93% of all husbands getting divorced blame their wife, not the toaster.

But can America get along without this evil? Is there a reasonable substitute? I feel American ingenuity will triumph in the end. Come on Americans, pull out that wienie roasting stick, fire up the fireplace and toast some bread the way our forefathers did.

Consumer Reports Part Five

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part five in a growing report of consumer hazards. Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review your Sunday Newspaper.

Fact: 89% of all American's read a Sunday newspaper; the other 11% pick one up on Saturdays, coming home from their neighborhood Synagogues.

The newspaper game in America is a strenuous one indeed, and today the war of the newspaper giants to produce a better selling Sunday newspaper has become a hazard in the American home.

Fact: 36% of all violence seen by children on Sundays comes from Dick Tracy and Steve Canyon.

Billy Graham has a hard enough time competing with Oral Roberts without having to combat Denise the Menace.

Aside from all the propaganda your read in these editions, good or bad, what Sunday giant doesn't contain a supplement? Let us analyze one of these supplements.

First there's the kitchen tested recipes, the kind you always find on your mother-in-law's table the next weekend, and of course the advertisements for money saving tips which only cost you $4.95 and C.O.D. expenses.

Now, after all of these hazards have invaded your home what becomes of this newspaper on Monday? Yes, it is still a hazard.

Fact: 71% of all fires started by newspapers are fed by Sunday editions.

Your own privacy and sanitation are threatened by these Sunday publications. Is there one of us who has not been sitting in a relaxing tub of warm water when the doorbell rings? After leaving your bath and answering the door you find your favorite local charity collecting bundles of newspapers. This leaves you with two revelations and one question.

These are; "Your tub is now cold and of no use to you unless you have some champagne to be chilled"; "that they are no longer your favorite charity" and "What do they do with all those newspapers?"

Fact: 0% of Americans know where those bundles go.

Shall America keep this Sunday hazard or throw off it's shackles and start football games three hours earlier? I leave the answer to you.

Consumer Reports Part Three

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part three in a growing report of consumer hazards.

Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review your dog's din-din.

Fact: 83% of all dogs eat din-din the rest eat "come and get it".

The dog food business in America is a huge industry not only serving the needs of dogs but sometimes those of cats, hamsters and the straining family budget.

Fact: 99% of those straining family budgets do not strain for long as dog food seems to provide fantastic initiative.

Just what is your dog eating when you feed him din-din? For those of you buying him the run of the mill cheap variety he may be eating a bowl of soggy cereal that has been covered with a brown mold for coloring. If it says meat by-products on it you can be feeding your poochie hoofs, crushed bones and scraps of hide.

Fact: 32% of all discarded leather boots end up in your dog's stomach.

One must take great care in feeding one's dog the right food and the right amount of food. A canine must have an all meat meal with an occasional chew biscuit and a slice of Roquefort cheese. Your dog will appreciate the hearty meal of pure meat and enjoy the change of pace the cheese will bring.

The amount of food is also an important factor. A hungry dog may turn on a small child for meat.

Fact: 2% of all dog bites come from a starved dog, the rest from a certain jewish dog that is said to be rabbi.

But on the same token you must not over stuff your dog as he is not a Thanksgiving turkey.

Be kind to your pet and feed him a good meal or else pray that your dog cannot find his way to the local humane society.

Consumer Reports Part Two

Consumer Reports was a ten part series of humorous articles appearing in the 1972-73 WHS Lantern. Alas, the first, fourth and tenth and final report have gone missing.

For posterity and your enjoyment I post the surviving articles.

Part Two in a growing report of consumer hazards

Hello America, I'm Mike Gilroy and today I'd like to review that American health hazard smoking Tobacco.

Fact: 93% of all people who are unhealthy due to first degree burns, received while in bed, were found to be smoking.

The tobacco industry has conducted a huge business ever since the Colonial period of American history. Until the mid 1800's plantation owners had slaves pick their tobacco crop; today they have nicotine addicts harvest their yield.

Fact: 99% of those who smoke are addicted to nicotine; the other 1% are under the age of five.

There are many different ways to smoke tobacco, but two come instantly to mind. The first, of course, is cigarettes. These are precise little instruments measured down to the last millimeter. They may be purchased in a variety of flavors, brand names and of course filter or non-filter. Let us talk first on the subject of flavors. These are as assorted as TV Dinners and may come in the same flavors such as chicken or salibury steak. Brand names are also too numerous to mention but through extensive research I have found that particular brands may enjoy more prominence in one area than another.

Fact: On college campuses such brands as Mashmakhan, Acapulco Gold, or Mexican Flower Top sell more frequently than any other brand.

The case of filter versus non-filter is that in the first instance it only prolongs the Surgeon General's famous quote "I told you so" where as non-filters brings it forth immediately.

Fact: The Surgeon General has recently sent a memo to Howard Hughes.

The second most popular way of smoking tobacco is by means of a pipe. While pipe smokers may not be apt to dying of lung cancer, they may die of starvation. Pipe smoking may induce lip cancer or tongue cancer thus having a devastating effect upon your appetite, not to mention your goodbye kiss in the morning.

Fact: Hugh Hefner has now given up his pipe.

Be sure to read next week's report on smut and obscene literature.